Maybe You Could Meet Me Where I Am

“The farther I’m from You, the harder I try to exist. Somebody tell me how did it come to this? Take these blinds from my eyes and wake me from the inside….Further out, maybe You could meet me where I am. Further out, I know there is hope within Your hands.”

I wasn’t really sure where I was a few months ago. I thought I didn’t need anything. I was blind. I’m not one for mushiness and clichés, but in all honesty, that’s what this story is about.

When we’re told that growing up in a Christian household causes you to not see the meaning in things, we need to listen to that statement. I grew up going to church every weekend. I was only a kid, so to me, I went to church like I went to school- because I had to.

When I learned about hell in Vacation Bible School, I decided it would be a good idea to get saved. So, at age 10 I got saved, and a few weeks later I got baptized. We continued to go to church for a few years until it split up. My parents followed who they believed in, and I went like I was supposed to.

I never felt so estranged from God. The straw that broke the camel’s back came when I was in my freshman year of high school. My friend Parker had been struggling with leukemia, but it had gone into remission. However, something odd happened, and he had to receive chemotherapy treatments again. Because this compromised his immune system, Parker was at a higher risk to get ill. He did- Parker got West Nile Virus, and died on January 13, 2003.

I thought then that there was no God. Why would he take someone who fought so hard? Anger is blinding. It’s an issue I deal with. When I get angry, it’s bad. I had never felt so let down in my life. Not even by my father, who always let me down.

So, for the next four years I went through life never going to church, never even wanting to talk about God. I acknowledged He existed, but I didn’t associate myself with him. The closeness I had to God as a child was gone.

When I came to school this year, it was amazing that someone had read my mind. I made a promise to myself to try and go to church at least once more to see if I could do it again. When we’re told that God works in mysterious ways, it’s true. As I sat in church, I was actually quite timid. The first three weeks of church and 24×7, I wouldn’t sing the songs. I felt terrible.

I felt terrible because in a way, I realized some things were wrong with what I thought about God. I thought that He punished people for being bad, and that He did things because He wanted to, without reason. I was wrong. I was so wrong. There was an ache in my heart whenever I even heard someone mention God. My eyes would begin to water, and they still do. But for two completely different reasons.

In my time without God, I was always striving for something. I don’t know what exactly. I kept searching for meaning in my life. There were times I wanted to disappear and never be found; times when I was so overcome with guilt for things I had done and decisions I had made. I still searched for a meaning to my life that I wouldn’t be able to find without Him.

I was a shipwreck. My life was catastrophic mayhem. There was just this angry girl who didn’t know how to let go of death, but at the same time, longed for the God that she knew was there and just wanted to ignore. This whole time I heard Him calling me. I just chose to mute it. I grew numb.

It’s amazing to me to look back on it now. I see my friends leading the youth and I can’t help but wonder that if maybe I had that sort of guidance, that if we didn’t stop going to church when we did, that I’d be closer to God than ever. I want so much more, and I strive for it, but I still wonder if maybe I’m a bit blind to His greatness.

I know that my God can move mountains, and I know that He can speak to me, and guide me. I’m glad that He reached out and pulled me back in when He did. I find it hard to be negative now, because I know what my purpose is. Then I didn’t, because I was lost. I was alone. I wasn’t really ever happy.

I love all of you. I’m so glad that we’re a family, I’m so glad that we have each other. I needed this, I’m glad that well, it happened how it did.

I was told that a relationship with God is a miraculous thing.  “It’s like meeting a friend you haven’t seen in a long time.  You know each other, but you can’t immediately pick back up where you left off.  You have to work back up to it,” in the words of an extremely wise friend, who keeps me in line with my spiritual struggles.  It’s amazing that God was willing to meet me where I was.

Like the song says, I feel like there is hope within His hands.  He met me where I was, and pulled me back in when I needed it most.  The farther I was from God, the harder I searched for my meaning.  I don’t really have to search anymore.

If you’re interested in the song, it’s Maps by Falling Up.